Sara's blog

Loner

I've been feeling incredibly antisocial lately. I'm not sure if it's a reaction to being very alone for the last two weeks, or if it's just one of my phases. Or if it's a reaction from too many people?

I did spend a lot of time with people over the holidays. But really, I don't consider my family as "people" exactly.

I do go through phases like this, though, where I don't feel like returning emails or phone calls or hanging out with people. Usually I do it anyway, but this week, this day, I'm fed up.

I realized I've been going through the motions anyway, for awhile. I spent time with a guy I've been on a few dates with, and rushed through that and showed absolutely no interest in him while we were hanging out (which I totally didn't mean to do) and did similar with an old friend of mine whom I hung out with on my birthday. It's like, I hung out with them because of obligation, not because I wanted to. Same with dinner with my friend on Sunday. Same with my writing group. Obligation.

I'd much rather be alone.

It's bad at work this week, with people coming back. I just want them to all go away and leave me alone.

I even rejoined my online computer game, thinking that hanging out with people in cyber space would be different. But again, it's just felt like obligation. Nothing has changed, they are still all the same old childish, clique-ish people they've always been. Same old jokes, same old banter, same old topics of conversation.

I don't even really want to talk with my "best friend" online this week. I avoided the chat program all day yesterday. It was nice. Today, well...today I reached out, and find myself annoyed and impatient.

It could just be my mood, which is angry and short tempered. It could just be that because since I got home from vacation it's just been me and a couple interactions at work, and the spider living on my bathroom wall (who is now deceased, sadly) that that's why I am feeling the way I am.

Or maybe I really am just a loner by nature.

I enjoy human contact. Sometimes. But I'm content to be alone, in my own worlds. Books, movies, tv shows, videogames, my own stories and made up characters (imaginary friends?) keep me company.

Real people are so interesting, but right now I'd rather just not deal with them.

Change

I changed my mind about change.

I haven't told anyone. I haven't even mentioned it on my daily blog.

I keep thinking if I don't talk about it I won't have to make a decision. If I don't own up to it, I can still change my mind again.

But the more time that passes, the more confident I am with this decision not to change.

The change in question is a move halfway across the country for a certificate program.

With Mom's condition, I don't want to be any further away than I am. I may be making a stupid decision to stay because of her, because my life shouldn't be put on hold until her death, but there are other factors, as well. Not to mention I'd do anything for Mom.

Money is one of the biggest deciding factors. I've realized just how much money this move and subsequent year is going to cost me. I have some savings, it's true, but it will wipe me out. I paid off my car halfway through this year, thinking I could put enough away to actually move out there and not worry about money for awhile, but I was wrong. Between certain expenses and living a bit outside of my means, I haven't saved enough.

If I could just save for another year, I would feel much more comfortable.

Job experience is another. If I could have an additional year at my job, it will look better on a resume and I will have picked up many more skills. Not to mention, how scary is it looking for a job right now? I have a friend who hasn't been able to get a job for over a year now. Not that I'd make her same mistakes, but if I could have a cushion of money to fall back on without begging parents, aunts, grandparents, or significant others for money, that'd be grand. I'm not like her. If I didn't have the money, I would die. And I sure as hell wouldn't have moved across the country to depend on some guy I just met to support me. I hate depending on people.

So, as much as it seems like time to move out there, since my friend just moved out there herself, I just don't think it's time yet. If I left and didn't get to enjoy the last of my time with Mom, it wouldn't even be worth it. I mean, I'm not even sure if this is really what I want to do or not. I like the idea of leaving the wretched Midwest state I live in, but I have a lot I would be leaving behind.

I have lived in this town for ten years now. I have made friends, joined communities, I know where everything is, I've found a neighborhood I love, and more often than not I do really like my job.

I hate to leave all of that for some paper-thin dream. That's just not who I am, or ever will be.

It may be what I need to do someday, but I don't think it's come to that yet.

Maybe I will change my mind after a visit to my friend out there.

Maybe something else will change my mind before I commit to another year with my current lease at my apartment.

I just find myself ready to settle in for another year. NOT move all my shit that fits so nicely in all of its places in my apartment. NOT uproot my life for something completely foreign to a city I've never even visited.

But I have to make sure this year counts. No more putting stuff off. I am going to immerse myself. Exercise my body and my mind. Work towards my goals, even if it's not moving just yet.

Besides, my actual dream is something I can do from anywhere working any day job. I just have to be sure I do it this year. Work towards it. Live, breathe, and BE it.

A New Year's Resolution, if you will. But more like a Guide to Life for 2010.

Tight wad

I am very stingy with my money. Mostly because I am stingy with my time, and the money I make comes from spending several hours a day someplace I don't necessarily want to be.

So I hate to spend money. Christmastime is an exception. I enjoy purchasing gifts for people. I am more excited to give than receive this time of year.

But I hate spending money for no reason. Like insurance. Nothing makes me angrier than insurance. Car, health, home, it all infuriates me to no end.

And I hate spending money on car repairs. I was lucky for years that whenever something was wrong with my car, I could take it to my ex's dad to fix. Now I am stuck here with no mechanic and no clue what I am doing.

I am sitting here counting hours of labor that are going into my vehicle right now, seeing dollar signs.

I bought a new car just under four years ago so I wouldn't have to do this anymore. I got rid of my old, slowly dying car so I wouldn't have to worry about car repairs! The car is only five years old!

But it's also frustrating because of the incompetence of a lot of people have landed me where I am. And nobody wants to take responsibility.

Including myself. I don't have the money to pay for everything I've already paid for and then what's to come as well. Someone better damn well get back to me and give me some fucking money.

I am trying to contain all of my anger and frustration and helplessness, but I am going on a week of this, and I finally had a melt down on the phone with Mom last night.

Big mistake. I should apologize. She just doesn't have the brain power to comprehend complex situations anymore, and it's not her fault.

I am so tired of being without a car. But at the same time, I am getting used to it. It's not very convenient to take the bus or walk, but it is do-able. Most of the time. It just wastes a lot of time between buses, waiting for the bus, the bus making a dozen stops.

It's been a frustrating week.

And I am tired.

And dealing with everything else this time of year. Regular bills, Christmas bills, car bills, getting ready for Christmas, diet, exercise, work. Sometimes it all seems like too much.

I hate that all I have to exchange for goods and services is my time. Money is evil.

Dead inside?

I used to cry a lot. And then I would only cry when I was frustrated. And then I was depressed and I told myself I couldn't cry, so I didn't very much even though I hurt all the time, inside and out.

That was when Mom got sick.

When she got better, I got my emotions back.

When she got sick again I cried a lot. The day Dad told me I cried so long and so hard I never thought I would be able to stop. And after that I would cry at the drop of a hat. For no reason in the middle of the day at work or making lunch or at the store.

A year later, after lots of false hope, a small remission, and then the illness returning and pretty much destroying her, I can't cry anymore. I feel distanced from my emotions. I feel like I could say "I am really sad" but it doesn't really mean anything to me anymore. I've cried myself out.

Even in times of stress and frustration, I've only been able to squeeze out a tear or two.

I am dead inside.

Which makes me wonder...will I even be able to cry at my mother's funeral, that will probably be sooner rather than later?

First

I have many places on the internet that I call home. Facebook, gmail, yahoo, xanga. All of these places are known to my friends and family. It's true, xanga has a private feature, so anything I share on there doesn't have to be public, but somehow I like the idea of my own blogspace to post whatever I want in any format I want without having to worry about protected or private or hurting someone's feelings or having people worry about me when I spew forth the darkness that builds inside of me.

So this is my place. My corner. My secret garden, my little cottage in the woods, my hideout, my Terabithia. Maybe someday I will share it with others, but for now, it's for me, and I will cultivate it however I want.

For now, I am just playing. Adding my favorite books and movies and tv shows and music. A trite profile description.

But later, perhaps, it will become more serious.

And for now, I am anonymous.

Yours,
Prospective Writer

Coraline [Mass Market Paperback]